Technicolor

I've know it's been a while since I've posted, but honestly, things have not been the greatest for me.
Lately (well, the past few weeks), I've been having some downright nasty moments, specifically surrounding the idea of romance---or in my case, the lack of it. It's been over 2.5 years since my last relationship, and I cannot lie and say that it doesn't bother me. It really does, especially when much of what I've seen recently is the exact opposite--people my age or younger getting married, engaged or pregnant....sometimes, even all three. Anyways, it had gotten to the point where it more so made me angry. Not at them, but at myself and at God. The anger would ask questions like "Where's your man at?? How come you're STILL single?? There's people younger than you tying the knot---time's ticking! You're too boring!!" "You're just not pretty/light/skinny/tall/smart/good/etc. enough to be with a good man. You don't deserve true love! Who'd want to love you and all your dirty little secrets??" or the most frequent, "If God really cared about you, you'd have a man!"

After a while, I believed the above statements. I would frequently vent on my Twitter account about how I hated being single and resented those who seemed to constantly throw their relationships out there just to say  "HAHAHAHAHA! I got a relationship and you don't!" whilst sticking out their hypothetical tongues at me, laughing at me in my shame. Immediately, I was transported back to the little 12 year old with insecurities higher than Mount Everest--more about that in a different post.

So, back to my current thought train: I was searching, wishing, and losing all faith and sanity in whether or not I would ever escape this funk. Then, I happened to stumble upon Jesse McCartney in my iTunes library. I'm a pretty big Jesse fan---have you seen him?? He's simply delightful to listen to and look at :)-- and decided to check if he had any newer music out. I stumbled his latest project, a four track EP titled In Technicolor, Pt. I released this past December. Intrigued by it , I searched and finally found the EP & one track happens to capture my attention fully: the title track--the link is here, feel free to listen and leave feedback (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG1Z5z72Dcs). So I read up on Jesse's inspiration behind creating the EP, which was about how he's looking to find someone that changes his entire perspective on how he views love, romance and life in general. He wanted someone who would transform his perspective from one of mundancy and ordinary to one of extraordinance, surprise, pleasure, pain, and fun. He wanted to have a person whom he could be exposed to all of their cracks and polished pieces of their heart, but still choose to love them anyway. He wanted a technicolor kind of love. And he was willing to wait until he got it, no matter how long it took.

After I read that,  the mental hamster wheels began to turn and suddenly, it made sense to me. I believe in music's ability to really deliver important messages, so I believe that God had used this 1:41  second track to tell me a few things:

1) Think about your future husband. Simply put, that's how I want my one day husband to look at me throughout the course of our relationship---from the very beginning to the very end. I want him to remember why he fell in love with me, how he makes me feel when he slightly brushes my hand against his or when he gives  me a kiss, have patience with me when I slowly lose me at moments and stick it out with me when I'm a total angel or a total bitch to him.' I want him to put me in my place when I'm clearly wrong, but still allow me to express my own opinions.

2) When your paths collide, you'll both know. I've always dreamed about seeing my one day husband and having this peace in my heart about him saying "Yes. You finally found each other!" I think that because I've had that dream from so long, I've become extremely impatient trying to find out who he is and what he looks like (by the way, many that know me are convinced that he'll be white lol.) But anyway, I'm so bent on knowing when his arrival will be that I frequent & unfortunately neglect my own level of readiness for him.  Ouch, not the most pleasant thing to realize. But one specific part of the song mentioned above really stuck out : "When I find her, game over", meaning that somewhere out here, Mr. Right is awaiting my arrival too!! He also believes that when I come along, he'll feel that sense of peace that I dream of feeling when he comes to me. God let me know that we'll be the end all-be all for one another, and no amount of people or worldly judgment will ever destroy that bond that the two of us will share.

3) Before you can love all of  him, you have to love all of you first. *cue John Legend's All of Me in the background* This isn't new to me by a long shot, but it's something I've struggled and fought with for several years. Like in the previous statement, I often forget about myself because I'm focused on him and his mystery identity. And because he hasn't quite come just yet, I frequently take that mounting frustration out on the most accessible target--myself. I don't physically self-harm per se, but emotionally and mentally, I throw dagger after dagger aiming at those hidden from the parts that very few know of and that I still can't quite deal with.  There's some doors that remain closed that I'm honestly afraid of opening because I know what it entails: sitting face to face with my feelings and actually working through them instead of ducking for cover. And to be honest, I still don't feel quite ready for that just yet. But this past week, I've gotten reminded in many of ways that maybe the reason why I didn't have Mr. Right was because I was all the way wrong. Though I will yell, scream and preach that I'm ready for a man to come in and sweep me off my feet, deep down, I hate to admit, but I know I'm not. In Ephesians 5: 24-25, it discusses how a husband should love his wife, as follows:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish."

God wants my one day husband to receive me  in sheer perfection, without an inkling of doubt/anger/frustration/worry/etc holding me back from taking in all that is his persona.  He wants for us to be completely ready to receive one another--flaws and all-- and merge together as one flesh. However, that cannot be accomplished until that both parties involved are 100% ready. I can assure you all, I am nowhere close to ready! My Instagram comments and tweets proceeded to make me glaringly aware of that hurtful truth :/  I attempt to convince relentlessly that I don't need to depend on God for love, that I don't have to tackle my problems (thought they clearly are affecting me), and each time, I hopelessly fail. So until I finally decide to change my perspective on love to match God's expectations instead of mine, I cannot expect to give out nor receive it the way that I'm supposed to. 
I couldn't love another person all the way until I could freely give that love towards myself, which is truthfully still hard for me to do most times.

Hopefully, this post will be helpful in some way to somebody out there, whether it be to relate to my story or just to understand me a little bit better. Over and out :)