Mr. G: My Own Mr E. Ephiphany

*I had actually written this out about four months prior, but never finished. But I don't want to carry this into 2015 with me, so here goes nothing. *

If any of you out there have read Mandy Hale's second book, you'll understand where I'm coming from with the title. In case you do not , I'll explain: throughout the book, Mandy speaks about the extensive history she shared with a man that has been Mr. E (read as 'mystery'. Cute, right?) about how she had been dealing with major commitment issues with him but that she also had loved him dearly. Sounds straight out of a TVshow, right?? Well, in a way, it is. Mandy drew inspiration for the character of Mr. E from Sex & the City and the relationship between Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Carrie Bradshaw and 'Mr. Big' [i can hear my best friend fangirling bc she loves this show lol].

Now that the background info is out the way, let's turn our attention to a date: July 16th. Why that date, you ask?? Its just an ordinary day out the year. Not so, for me. It's a special day of sorts----my ex's birthday.  He's not an ordinary ex,  however. He's "special" (the 'I cherish what he gave me' kind, not 'mentally slower' kind) . I believe that everyone has that one relationship where their perception of love is just changed forever. He was definitely mine. To me, he was a lot of firsts: the first boyfriend of the same race,  the first boyfriend that was younger than me (a whole year between us) , the first boy I dated within the church, and the first boy I could actually see myself really marrying someday and starting a family. In my book,  he was perfect for me and I for him. Or so I thought. We were on and off again for about three years, but I could never seem to fully let him go. After all, we were fate! And you cannot deny the power of fate.

But lately, I began to reel back to December 11, 2009- the last time we were back on. As we were going to try this dating thing out once again,  he made me promise him something that was kinda odd to me: I couldn't tell certain disapproving people about our relationship. No social media updates, no phone calls,  nothing.

HUGE red flag, right? The 17 year old me  thought so. But,the risk of losing him for good was too scary for me to face. So, I had begrudgingly agreed and overlooked my desires to shout to the world who my man was in order to prove my love and loyalty to him. After all,  true love was about sacrifice, right ? Fast forward about 2 years later and once again,  he in more or less words broke up with me, stating that we should just work on our friendship and then go from there.  Here's the kicker: it never quite happened.  As time went on, we drifted apart (more like he drifted from me). So many times,  I had felt tied to him , as if no matter what,  I'll never fully let him go. I still continued to reserve a spot in my heart for him even though he had not really made an effort that he wanted to be there. So I sent up one final prayer to God asking to just let the situation unfold how it was supposed to and allow me to be okay with the outcome.

The answer came almost a year ago when I was home still fresh from my second car accident: we hugged and talked,  yet strangely I felt nothing. No butterflies,  no nerves,  not a single thing. It felt as if something inside that supported the falsified hope that we'd get it right someday had finally broken. I didn't hate him or anything,  but I also didn't love him like before either.  I wished him well and we really haven't spoken since,  and I'm actually fine with that. I even let go of the heart shaped keychain with our names and date on it, symbolizing that I was done with the situation totally.  Maybe someday,  our paths will recross and we'll develop a solid and sturdy friendship. Or maybe we'll just never speak again.  Who knows?

But what I do know is that he gave me something that no other relationship to date has ever offered for me --PERSPECTIVE. Perspective on how a man should treat his woman in a relationship, all the red flags to look out for, how to be a genuine friend to someone, but most importantly, I'm learning that his lack of caring matches my lack of caring for myself. I'm not the most physically/emotionally/spiritually or mentally active person currently, but I had hit an all time low with him . It seemed like  the more I pushed to make "us" work out, the more I forgot about 'me'. slowly and subtlely, my expectations had dwindled and I had begun accepting way less than I deserve.
Until that day, when I simply had no more to give him. Even now a year later, I do miss the friendship we initially had at times, but I know that ultimately Mr. G's exit was for the best.